Leaving him for the very first time 😭

Hello followers, readers, bloggers….sooo, my life will definitely be in for a big emotional change and I don’t know how to react. I have been a stay at home mom for quite some time now, 1 yr and 4 months to be exact. I’ve gotten to a point in my life where my son is not breast feeding as often and is on a pretty set napping schedule wich gives me about 8 to 9 hours of time where he doesn’t necessarily NEED me to be around. I’ve been thinking, maybe now is a good time to get back to work. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being able to stay home with my son and take care of him to the best of my ability but I’ve been feeling like I need to be selfish for once. I need to start my life again. For the better of me, myself, and of course for OUR future. Little by little I’ve been leaving him with a very trustful family member for an hour or two, and he’s been doing great. He doesn’t cry when I leave, and doesn’t cry in between. But I’m very nervous about leaving him for more than 3 hours. I feel like I want to cry my eyes out just thinking about it. I’ve been told plenty of times that I have to let go, that I can’t just hang on to him forever. My father raised me and my brother alone. He tells me that it’s ok to be selfish, that it’s ok to leave him in good hands, that I should do ME and go on a date, or to a movie and not worry about him for a few hours. I CANT! When I go to the store I’m thinking about my baby, when I’m getting my nails done, I feel like I’m in a hurry because I’m anxious to know what he’s doing and what he’s getting into. I’m at peace when he’s around me, I feel like I have no worries. So how do I let go? How do I get my life back? 

Those questions are the main reoson why I stayed home all this time. I’ve been working for 8 years. I always stayed busy and love my career. I miss it soo much. I am making little steps to returning to work but the closer I get to going back the more anxious and nervous I become. Is this normal? Or am I just being crazy? I just wish I can put him in a bubble so he never gets hurt, so he never feels what pain is. I think that’s what it is. If I’m not watching him, or if I’m doing doing things for him like changing his diaper, feeding him, bathing him, I feel like something is going to happen. Can it be because I’ve done it by myself for soo long? Now that I am trying to loosen up and let someone help I feel this way? This journey is definitely not an easy one and I’m glad I can share it with you guys… 

I’d love to hear your opinions and your stories. What would you do? 

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I’m gonna miss you little 👶

As much as I enjoy watching my 11 month old grow. I’m gonna miss him little. I’ve always enjoyed the little things. Pregnancy was amazing for me. Of course morning sickness isn’t fun, or the pains and pressures. But, he was Good to me. Compared to the terrible stories I would hear about pregnancy, my pregnancy was a walk in the park. Labor went as smoothe as I could’ve ever imagined. Than, he was finally here. He was a beautiful 8 pound 21 inch gift from god. He was also a wonderful baby. He latched on instantly and preffered being breast fed over a bottle. Which I wanted. He was never fuzzy, or colicky. He would only cry when he was hungry and he would sleep all night. Other mothers I would talk to, made me paranoid to have my little one but he made momma proud. Little by little he was growing. At his 1st week his umbilical cord fell off, than his new born skin started shedding off and he was amazingly soft. He was getting bigger and bigger and it seemed like every day he was learning and doing something new.

Weeks passed and he started holding his head up, than rolling over and he enjoyed “tummy time” for the most part. Than he began to do mini push ups and at 5 months he began to sit up, shortly after began crawling. Seeing him crawl made it seem real to me that he wasn’t my baby anymore. I knew that shortly after that, he would start cruising then walking. I knew that he would no longer be as “dependent” of me as before and I instantly became emotional. Not because I don’t want him to grow or anything of that nature, but because my little baby was becoming a toddler and he would soon be preferring to be on his own. I knew that he was gonna become more curious and would prefer being adventurous than to be held by mommy. I had never felt so excited, happy, and sad at the same time. Watching him become his own little person made my love become stronger and stronger. His personality is slowly shining thru and I’m always telling my boyfriend….” can you believe WE made that?” As we stare at him in awe. Every day there’s something different. Now he’s a 24 pound 11 month old that walks more and more proficiently without holding on to hands or walls.

I know that growing is a given but to me, I feel like it’s happening too darn fast. Maybe I’m just soo in love with the fact that I’m his, and he’s mine. And I want that to last forever. I can’t wait to see the little man that he will become but I’m going to miss all of the little things. Like him falling asleep on my chest, him holding my finger as he’s breast feeding, him wanting me to hold him as he’s napping and him opening and closing his hands to tell be bye bye or to come here. I know these beautiful gestures will continue for years to come, but him being an 8 pound 21 inch baby has definately changed and that’s what I miss the most. But he’s my little being and I couldn’t be more proud of the little angel I was given 😇.

 

 

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