Leaving him for the very first time 😭

Hello followers, readers, bloggers….sooo, my life will definitely be in for a big emotional change and I don’t know how to react. I have been a stay at home mom for quite some time now, 1 yr and 4 months to be exact. I’ve gotten to a point in my life where my son is not breast feeding as often and is on a pretty set napping schedule wich gives me about 8 to 9 hours of time where he doesn’t necessarily NEED me to be around. I’ve been thinking, maybe now is a good time to get back to work. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being able to stay home with my son and take care of him to the best of my ability but I’ve been feeling like I need to be selfish for once. I need to start my life again. For the better of me, myself, and of course for OUR future. Little by little I’ve been leaving him with a very trustful family member for an hour or two, and he’s been doing great. He doesn’t cry when I leave, and doesn’t cry in between. But I’m very nervous about leaving him for more than 3 hours. I feel like I want to cry my eyes out just thinking about it. I’ve been told plenty of times that I have to let go, that I can’t just hang on to him forever. My father raised me and my brother alone. He tells me that it’s ok to be selfish, that it’s ok to leave him in good hands, that I should do ME and go on a date, or to a movie and not worry about him for a few hours. I CANT! When I go to the store I’m thinking about my baby, when I’m getting my nails done, I feel like I’m in a hurry because I’m anxious to know what he’s doing and what he’s getting into. I’m at peace when he’s around me, I feel like I have no worries. So how do I let go? How do I get my life back? 

Those questions are the main reoson why I stayed home all this time. I’ve been working for 8 years. I always stayed busy and love my career. I miss it soo much. I am making little steps to returning to work but the closer I get to going back the more anxious and nervous I become. Is this normal? Or am I just being crazy? I just wish I can put him in a bubble so he never gets hurt, so he never feels what pain is. I think that’s what it is. If I’m not watching him, or if I’m doing doing things for him like changing his diaper, feeding him, bathing him, I feel like something is going to happen. Can it be because I’ve done it by myself for soo long? Now that I am trying to loosen up and let someone help I feel this way? This journey is definitely not an easy one and I’m glad I can share it with you guys… 

I’d love to hear your opinions and your stories. What would you do? 

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It’s Not always rainbows 🌈 and unicorns 🦄

When I found out I was expecting, man was I the happiest girl in the world. To me, it was a dream come true. No one was able to bring me down. As a little girl my dream was to become a mommy. I remember carrying my dolls around with me pretending they were my baby girls. And to satisfy my imagination my father would buy me the baby dolls, the strollers, the toy diapers etc. As I got older and older my obsession with being a mother only got worse and worse. When I became “of age” the baby fever never went away but than of course I was more mature and careful. As much as I knew I wanted a baby, I knew that I wasn’t ready. So I would entertain the idea with loving my niece and nephew just as much. They were my distraction for a few years. Until of course, my dream came true.

At the age of 22 I met the man of my dreams. He was like no other, well, in my eyes that is. There where never any arguements, he treated me like a queen. Every relationship has its ups and downs but we had more ups than anything. When I became pregnant it was a surprise. We weren’t trying but we would always talk about how we’ve always wanted children. With the pregnancy things started to change. At first for the better, than of course it started shifting for the worst. I was always told that babies change relationships and I always told myself, no way! We love each other so much nothing will change it, ever. If only I knew what I know now. Our love for each other, I guess you can say, still exists but it isn’t about US anymore. From the idea of the baby coming and of everything that had to be done, US was kind of put on a shelf somewhere. 

Than finally baby arrived. And it’s a boy!!!! I was the happiest mommy in the world. I’ve always wanted a boy! So if I get blessed with a little girl, She can always have her big brother. Daddy was happy too. He wanted a girl of course but he loves his boy to death. Months passed and baby boy became 3…4…10 months old. And of course we expect parenting an infant to a toddler to be all rainbows and unicorns, but boy was I in for a big surprise. I love my son to no ending. He is all I’ve ever wanted, but sometimes I just want to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time. Sometimes I want to have uninterrupted showers to relax, And sometimes I want to just binge watch a show all day and stay cuddled on the couch. But this is what parenting is all about. The sacrifices and life changes that you have to make for your offspring. I want him to have everything and more. I was raised by a single father who gave it all for me and my brother. I admire that man to death. I want my son to look at me like that one day. To admire everything I’ve done for him. Yes, sometimes I want to just take my son to a baby sitter and be selfish for once. Sometimes i want to leave him and shop and treat myself and not have to worry about if he’s fed, if he needs changing, if he has his movie on, or if he’s getting into anything he isn’t suppose to. But than I think, no. All I need to be ok, is that he’s healthy and happy. “Me time” can come later. I changed my whole life for him and I want him to have it all. That’s what makes me happy. As long as he has a smile on his face my whole world makes sense..

I QUIT!

how many mommies out there feel like they are soo ready to say “I QUIT! “? Not to being a mom in general but saying “i quit” to everything else. if so, you are not alone. I cant stress enough about how difficult life gets when becoming a mommy. One of my biggest problems is adjusting to being a Stay-at-home mom. Before Liam came into my life i was working as a veterinarian technician and i was doing it for 7 years non stop. i also had my own petsitting side business were i had my own clientele and i was visiting 2 to 3 houses a day. I started fairly young. I got my very 1st job when i turned 15 and i never left. I went from working 50 to 60 hours a week to staying home with the baby. By far, the hardest thing I’ve had to adjust to the 24 years I’ve been on this lovely planet.

All my life i’ve wanted to be a mommy, so im happy, but the situation im in makes it difficult. Im sure all of you already know the challenges that comes with having a child. Everyone around you all of a sudden become experts in how to raise a baby. Everything you do is “possibly” wrong to their liking. If your child sneezes, he has a very bad cold. If he rubs his ear, he has a bad ear infection….name it, ive heard it. Im very anal when it comes to what my son eats, (e.g, not drinking whole milk {hes too young} not having sweets, and fats) strictly fruits, veggies, grains, bread here and there. Hes still adjusting to baby food, cereals, baby rice…..and i have people offering him cookies, whole milk and ice cream when i am not looking which, c’mon…..a taste is fine. I mean what harm can that do, but at 9pm? Anyway…im sure you catch my drift. its very difficult to have your own way in doing things 24/7 and someone comes in whenever they want and try to change it. As a mother i’ve changed soo much. I am very sensitive when it comes to my son and i am very easy to upset. im not the only one, right?

The other difficulty is dealing with your significant other. When you get pregnant you believe that you will get all the help in the world, but not all stories are fairy tales. my boyfriend works most of the time so its only me. Which i dont mind, but im sure you all have seen the commercial were the mom or dad are sick and they walk into the child’s bedroom asking for a day off and the child looks at them like if they’re crazy…..that’s my life. I dont get to take naps whenever i feel like it and i dont get to just get up and leave as i please. Than you deal with your in laws, with your relationship issues because we ALL have them, and than we deal with problems we have within ourselves. its ALOT to take in. no one is perfect and not all days are a walk in the park.

If most days you just want to take your baby and dissapear, your not alone either. sometimes i want to explode but ive learned a few tricks to ease my mind and think that this is only temporary and that things will get easier. One of the things i do is go for a nice long walk. Fresh air will definitely help, and it’ll distract your mind. Exercising also does the trick for me. going for a nice jog, doing aerobics, and even Zumba will give you enough cardio to distress yourself. finding a hobby and doing something that you enjoy will also help. Before starting this blog i was having a very hard time finding a hobby or something that i enjoyed doing to help time pass a little faster. My hobbies that i originally had are impossible to do with a 9 moth old and no vehicle. Such as hiking, shopping, going to the beach, site seeing etc. I had to find something else to do with my time once baby and chores are taken care of.

Finances are also a major struggle. its very difficult to go from making a great full time salary to nothing at all. Instead of combining 2 salaries now we are only living off of 1. I have come across a couple of stay at home jobs but of course you run the risk of the offer not being legit. I also get alot of offers from moms who sale dieting supplements or make up. Im all for doing work at home for extra income but unfortunately i dont think those types of jobs are for me. Ive looked at my options like Younique, Itworks, Avon, Marykay etc. but i dont think itll work for me. if you guys have any options that you believe actually work,feel free to share them in the comment below and id love to look into it…..so moving along with our original topic all of these factors make it very difficult and it makes us want to just scream out I QUIT!!! Yes, it is very hard, and ive come very close, i mean inches away from pulling my hair out but than i think….is this all worth it? than i look at my son and i tell myself, for him….its all worth it. So im here to tell you ive been thru hell and back and im still here giving it my all. If i can do it, so can you. You dont have to be a mom to struggle, we all do. Im here to tell you that it’ll all get better and to hang in there. unfortunately we have to go thru the shitty storm to see the rainbow.