Leaving him for the very first time 😭 

Hello followers, readers, bloggers….sooo, my life will definitely be in for a big emotional change and I don’t know how to react. I have been a stay at home mom for quite some time now, 1 yr and 4 months to be exact. I’ve gotten to a point in my life where my son is not breast feeding as often and is on a pretty set napping schedule wich gives me about 8 to 9 hours of time where he doesn’t necessarily NEED me to be around. I’ve been thinking, maybe now is a good time to get back to work. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being able to stay home with my son and take care of him to the best of my ability but I’ve been feeling like I need to be selfish for once. I need to start my life again. For the better of me, myself, and of course for OUR future. Little by little I’ve been leaving him with a very trustful family member for an hour or two, and he’s been doing great. He doesn’t cry when I leave, and doesn’t cry in between. But I’m very nervous about leaving him for more than 3 hours. I feel like I want to cry my eyes out just thinking about it. I’ve been told plenty of times that I have to let go, that I can’t just hang on to him forever. My father raised me and my brother alone. He tells me that it’s ok to be selfish, that it’s ok to leave him in good hands, that I should do ME and go on a date, or to a movie and not worry about him for a few hours. I CANT! When I go to the store I’m thinking about my baby, when I’m getting my nails done, I feel like I’m in a hurry because I’m anxious to know what he’s doing and what he’s getting into. I’m at peace when he’s around me, I feel like I have no worries. So how do I let go? How do I get my life back? 

Those questions are the main reoson why I stayed home all this time. I’ve been working for 8 years. I always stayed busy and love my career. I miss it soo much. I am making little steps to returning to work but the closer I get to going back the more anxious and nervous I become. Is this normal? Or am I just being crazy? I just wish I can put him in a bubble so he never gets hurt, so he never feels what pain is. I think that’s what it is. If I’m not watching him, or if I’m doing doing things for him like changing his diaper, feeding him, bathing him, I feel like something is going to happen. Can it be because I’ve done it by myself for soo long? Now that I am trying to loosen up and let someone help I feel this way? This journey is definitely not an easy one and I’m glad I can share it with you guys… 

I’d love to hear your opinions and your stories. What would you do? 

I’m gonna miss you little 👶

As much as I enjoy watching my 11 month old grow. I’m gonna miss him little. I’ve always enjoyed the little things. Pregnancy was amazing for me. Of course morning sickness isn’t fun, or the pains and pressures. But, he was Good to me. Compared to the terrible stories I would hear about pregnancy, my pregnancy was a walk in the park. Labor went as smoothe as I could’ve ever imagined. Than, he was finally here. He was a beautiful 8 pound 21 inch gift from god. He was also a wonderful baby. He latched on instantly and preffered being breast fed over a bottle. Which I wanted. He was never fuzzy, or colicky. He would only cry when he was hungry and he would sleep all night. Other mothers I would talk to, made me paranoid to have my little one but he made momma proud. Little by little he was growing. At his 1st week his umbilical cord fell off, than his new born skin started shedding off and he was amazingly soft. He was getting bigger and bigger and it seemed like every day he was learning and doing something new.

Weeks passed and he started holding his head up, than rolling over and he enjoyed “tummy time” for the most part. Than he began to do mini push ups and at 5 months he began to sit up, shortly after began crawling. Seeing him crawl made it seem real to me that he wasn’t my baby anymore. I knew that shortly after that, he would start cruising then walking. I knew that he would no longer be as “dependent” of me as before and I instantly became emotional. Not because I don’t want him to grow or anything of that nature, but because my little baby was becoming a toddler and he would soon be preferring to be on his own. I knew that he was gonna become more curious and would prefer being adventurous than to be held by mommy. I had never felt so excited, happy, and sad at the same time. Watching him become his own little person made my love become stronger and stronger. His personality is slowly shining thru and I’m always telling my boyfriend….” can you believe WE made that?” As we stare at him in awe. Every day there’s something different. Now he’s a 24 pound 11 month old that walks more and more proficiently without holding on to hands or walls.

I know that growing is a given but to me, I feel like it’s happening too darn fast. Maybe I’m just soo in love with the fact that I’m his, and he’s mine. And I want that to last forever. I can’t wait to see the little man that he will become but I’m going to miss all of the little things. Like him falling asleep on my chest, him holding my finger as he’s breast feeding, him wanting me to hold him as he’s napping and him opening and closing his hands to tell be bye bye or to come here. I know these beautiful gestures will continue for years to come, but him being an 8 pound 21 inch baby has definately changed and that’s what I miss the most. But he’s my little being and I couldn’t be more proud of the little angel I was given 😇.

 

 

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It’s Not always rainbows 🌈 and unicorns 🦄

When I found out I was expecting, man was I the happiest girl in the world. To me, it was a dream come true. No one was able to bring me down. As a little girl my dream was to become a mommy. I remember carrying my dolls around with me pretending they were my baby girls. And to satisfy my imagination my father would buy me the baby dolls, the strollers, the toy diapers etc. As I got older and older my obsession with being a mother only got worse and worse. When I became “of age” the baby fever never went away but than of course I was more mature and careful. As much as I knew I wanted a baby, I knew that I wasn’t ready. So I would entertain the idea with loving my niece and nephew just as much. They were my distraction for a few years. Until of course, my dream came true.

At the age of 22 I met the man of my dreams. He was like no other, well, in my eyes that is. There where never any arguements, he treated me like a queen. Every relationship has its ups and downs but we had more ups than anything. When I became pregnant it was a surprise. We weren’t trying but we would always talk about how we’ve always wanted children. With the pregnancy things started to change. At first for the better, than of course it started shifting for the worst. I was always told that babies change relationships and I always told myself, no way! We love each other so much nothing will change it, ever. If only I knew what I know now. Our love for each other, I guess you can say, still exists but it isn’t about US anymore. From the idea of the baby coming and of everything that had to be done, US was kind of put on a shelf somewhere. 

Than finally baby arrived. And it’s a boy!!!! I was the happiest mommy in the world. I’ve always wanted a boy! So if I get blessed with a little girl, She can always have her big brother. Daddy was happy too. He wanted a girl of course but he loves his boy to death. Months passed and baby boy became 3…4…10 months old. And of course we expect parenting an infant to a toddler to be all rainbows and unicorns, but boy was I in for a big surprise. I love my son to no ending. He is all I’ve ever wanted, but sometimes I just want to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time. Sometimes I want to have uninterrupted showers to relax, And sometimes I want to just binge watch a show all day and stay cuddled on the couch. But this is what parenting is all about. The sacrifices and life changes that you have to make for your offspring. I want him to have everything and more. I was raised by a single father who gave it all for me and my brother. I admire that man to death. I want my son to look at me like that one day. To admire everything I’ve done for him. Yes, sometimes I want to just take my son to a baby sitter and be selfish for once. Sometimes i want to leave him and shop and treat myself and not have to worry about if he’s fed, if he needs changing, if he has his movie on, or if he’s getting into anything he isn’t suppose to. But than I think, no. All I need to be ok, is that he’s healthy and happy. “Me time” can come later. I changed my whole life for him and I want him to have it all. That’s what makes me happy. As long as he has a smile on his face my whole world makes sense..

No matter what they say, you ARE good enough!

As a mom, I cant help the feeling that I am not good enough. Not only because I am a 1st time mommy, but also because everyone around you will do a great job of making you feel this way. If you feel or have ever felt this way before, I guarantee; you are not alone. Whether its how we do things as mothers, or as a significant other, and how we treat them someone will always have their own opinions about how things should be done (e.g. if you don’t wash his clothes enough, if you don’t cook for him on the daily etc..) name it, I’ve been accused of it all. Not because I’m a terrible spouse or lazy, only because they are looking at my relationship thru a window and they don’t know what REALLY happens. Don’t let peoples opinions change who you are and how you do things. Although I know its easier said than done.

When I 1st started hearing peoples opinions about how they think I am as a mother or significant other, I found myself doing extra than what I was originally doing only to satisfy others. Until my significant other came to me and told me “who gives a damn what others think and say, you do more than enough for me and my son.” just hearing his words made me feel soo much better inside but still, I have the unconfident side of me whispering in my ear…..”did you cook? did you clean? are caring for the baby right? “and believe it or not but it does do a number on me mentally. I find my self double thinking about everything I do. If you’re the type that has opinions about people and how they do things I would have to say….”let them be.” Not everything will be done your way and hey….maybe it doesn’t work for you but if they’re dong it than, hey! it must work for them. and when it comes to relationships, never stick your nose in their business. if he or she isn’t complaining than maybe it isn’t a problem, so don’t make it one.

As a mommy the feeling of encouragement is important. Whether its our 1st time being a mommy or our 3rd, 4th, 5th, its all new to us. The feeling that we are doing something wrong is only natural but I’m pretty sure 99 % of the time you are doing things the right way. Our mind is an expert of making us freak out at anything out of the ordinary. And having people making us feel like we are fucking shit up only makes it worse. I am here to tell you that You are doing great and no matter what others say you are wonderful at what you do and you are more than good enough.